Homosexual
by SpongeGuy
Summary: HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! See Balthazar Cavendish and Vinnie Dakota meet, befriend each other, and fall in love! Part of "The Milo Murphy's Law Wiki Guy AU".


**Disclaimer: **I don't own "Milo Murphy's Law". Also, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! And sorry that this one is being posted late.

* * *

They first met on a fateful day at Time Bureau Hq. Their boss, Mr. Block, was desperate for pistachios. For such a small time, easy mission, he needed two unoccupied, low ranking agents. He chose his bottom two: Balthazar Cavendish, a screw up who had yet to accomplish anything significant, and Vinnie Dakota, who besides fixing the missuri… Louisiana compromise, had also done nothing but screw up. The two were given the task.

"And that's all you need to know. Understand?", asked Mr. Block.

"Understood, sir!", said Cavendish, eager to succeed.

"What he said", said Dakota, a lot loose than his tall partner.

"Good. Now get out! You're wasting valuable pistachio protecting time! Ooh, I made a funny!", said Mr. Block, who laughed loudly from his own joke.

"Uproarius", commented Gretchen, Mr. Block's personal assistant.

As they left, Cavendish turned to Dakota.

"I don't believe that we have properly met yet. I'm Balthazar Cavendish, Time Traveller First Class!"

"Vinnie Dakota. How ya doin'?"

The two shook hands, with no idea just how much their lives would intertwine.

* * *

"A lone pistachio cart! Our mission finally starts!", declared Cavendish.

"So, let me get this straight: All we need to do is guard it?", Dakota asked.

"Precisely! That is all we need to do!"

"Huh, this should be a snap!", Dakota said, happy with the easy mission.

"Just imagine! We finish this evening, and we get promoted to an even greater mission! Today, Pistachios! Tomorrow, someplace exotic! Like… Honduras!", said an excited Cavendish.

Suddenly, the carts wheels started moving and the cart rolled onto the road. It gets run over.

"All right! You don't always get things right the first time!", said Cavendish. "But I'm sure we'll succeed this time!"

"That's the spirit, Cavendish!", said Dakota.

The cart is then run over by a car on the sidewalk.

"That surely can't be legal", said Dakota.

"MANIAC!", Screamed Cavendish. "I guess people only learned how to drive in the future!"

"All right, third times the charm!", said Cavendish.

The cart suddenly rolls down the road. All the cars miss it, though.

"Well, isn't that lucky?", said Cavendish happily.

"Yeah. What could possibly go wrong now?", asked Dakota.

The cart was then hit by lightning.

"Not. A. Word.", said Cavendish.

* * *

The first three missions went that way. And while the destruction varied, the luck did not. The cart was destroyed, one way or another, every day for a long, long time. Mr. Block quickly lost his patience with the two, and only treated them with growing disdain. Cavendish, who was so sure he could succeed in this mission, grew cynical and grumpy. Dakota, in the meantime, decided to try to make the best of the situation. While the two's clashing treatment of the situation differed greatly, Cavendish grew to like his partner (not that he would tell him that). He had to admit: after a bad day, Dakota knew how to cheer him up. Whether they were eating out again (Cavendish made a mental note of Dakota's love for food), or lying in front of the TV, exchanging fun comments on the things they watched, if there was one bright spot in the grey skies that clouded Cavendish's mind, it was Dakota. He wasn't very sharp, but at least he gave companionship, and to Cavendish, that was very good indeed.

"Another mission, another spectacular failure. When will I ever succeed?", Cavendish lamented.

"Ok, look, the cotton candy tsunami was weird, but that's just bad luck!", Dakota said, trying to cheer him up.

"Which we have in spades".

"You really are down about this one, aren't you?", asked Dakota.

"Very"

"H'mm", Dakota thought. "Say, I got an idea. Come with me!"

After some time, the two reached their destination.

"Open your eyes!"

"If this is the Breakfast Burrito place, I swear…", but Cavendish didn't finish, 'cause he suddenly saw where they were. "A paintball place? Why on earth would that be fun?"

"C'mon, give it a try!"

"All right, but I doubt it will cheer me up."

Later…

"Huzzah! Did you see how well we did?", Cavendish exclaimed enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I did!", Dakota agreed happily.

"I'm so happy, I don't care that I'm pink and purple all over!"

"So… Who was right?"

"All right, settle down! But yes, I'll admit: Even if you aren't too bright, you do know how to cheer me up."

That was all Dakota needed.

But, despite the postives, the two still butted heads.

* * *

"You have got to be kidding me? You rented a bouncy castle?!", shouted Cavendish.

"So? Bouncing is fun!", Dakota stated. "You're not a rabbit under all this, are you?"

"Don't try to reference Winnie The Pooh! It won't get you out of this! Do you know how much money you wasted?!"

Dakota stormed off into the castle.

"You know, if you bothered to ask why I rented it, I'd let you in. But now I won't!"

"What are you? 5?"

"At least I'm not a jerk!"

Dakota shut the moat.

"That's not even a comeback!"

Dakota opened the moat.

"Give me a break, I'm too angry to come up with something."

Later that evening, Cavendish was still inside their apartment, and Dakota was still outside in the castle.

"He's been there for a while. If he doesn't hurry, I'll actually order the food tonight. Maybe it's serious…", Cavendish thought.

This was looking bad. Cavendish couldn't sit there with his… Partner feeling bad.

He went out and knocked on the moat.

"Um… Dakota? May I come in?"

"Go away."

"Please? I… Don't like seeing you like this."

The moat opened.

"Come in."

Cavendish sat down next to Dakota.

"Look, I'm sorry about the outburst. And the bouncy castle. And all the money I spent. It's just…"

"Yes?"

"…Do you think… Anyone will ever want to live with me? To love me?"

This shocked Cavendish. Dakota being sad? This wasn't him.

"What do you mean?"

"Someone like Savannah… They would never go for me! Or any good person! Heck, the one time I had a romantic relationship, and I ruined it!"

(This relationship was from before he met Cavendish. Just wanted to make that clear. Dakota has an ex who has appeared in the show)

Dakota shed a tear.

"I'll always be… Alone"

Cavendish put his arm around Dakota.

"Well, I may not be… A romantic solution… But you've got me."

Dakota suddenly hugged Cavendish.

"Thanks… Cav"

* * *

Some time later, the two were on yet another pistachio mission, this time in a construction site.

"Come get your pistachios! Oh, please that nothing goes wrong!", pleaded Cavendish.

"I'm sure we'll be fine! Hey, look, I've got a hard hat! I'm a hard headed individual now!", joked Dakota.

"Indupitably", injected Cavendish. "Anyhow, I'll just go for a second to drink from that fountain."

"I don't know, Cavendish. This is a pretty hazardous place. Says so on the sign."

A sign says "Pretty hazardous place".

"That surely can't be professional.", commented Cavendish.

"Why don't you take a helmet?", offered Dakota.

"Come now, Dakota! I'll be perfectly fine…"

Suddenly, an elephant falls on Cavendish.

"Rickie! You were supposed to drop an anvil, not an elephant!", said a construction worker.

"Whoops! My bad!", said Rickie, and he lifted the elephant and dropped an anvil on Cavendish.

"Oh my gosh! What do I do?", said Dakota, worriedly.

Suddenly, it came to him: He could time travel to before Cavendish died and stop it from ever happening. But wasn't that against the rules? And where would he send the clone Dakota?

Dakota hesitated. But then he thought about Cavendish, and said "It's Cavendish, what are you gonna do?"

From that day forth, Dakota saved Cavendish no matter what.

* * *

A long time later, the "Missing Milo" incident happened. Despite all odds, Balthazar Cavendish and Vinnie Dakota were heroes! Not that anyone believed them.

"It's amazing! Sure, no one believes us, but we saved the world!", said Cavendish, proud in himself and in Dakota.

"We sure did…", Dakota said, feeling proud too.

Cavendish hugged his partner.

"I… I just want you to know that… I am proud to be your partner. Even if you can drive me nuts."

"Same here, Cavendish. Same here."

* * *

Derek's invasion hurt them all. But in the end, they repelled it! This led to their firing, though, and for a while, Cav and Dak had nothing but each other (not that they weren't used to this already).

But, after the aliens came, Mr. Block decided that he should talk to his former agents.

"Against all odds, you've actually shown some promise recently. You managed to stop those aliens, and I must admit, I am impressed.", Mr. Block said.

"Well, sir, it was nothing!", Cavendish said, ecstatic inside. He was finally being recognized.

"Just doing our duty", Dakota said.

"So, I've decided to re-hire Cavendish. Just Cavendish."

"We'll get right to it… Wait, did you say just me, sir?", asked Cavendish, bewildered.

"Yes."

"But… What about Dakota?", asked Cavendish.

"Yeah, what about me?", asked Dakota.

"Yeah, what about Dakota?", asked Brick and Savannah.

"Yeah, what about Dakota?", asked Gretchen, uncharctaristically emotional.

"Yeah, what about Dakota?", asked Milo, Melissa, Zack, Orton and Doof, all surprised their friend wasn't being recognized.

"Yeah, what about Dakota?", asked Mr. Drako, who was somehow in Mr. Blocks water cooler.

"Yeah, what about Dakota?", asked Serendipitacely, who was reading the story and had picked himself up from the floor for the 3000th time in this story.

"Will you let me say it?! Look, going back in time to save a dead partner is strictly forbidden , regardless of how many alien invasions one has repelled! You are so lucky the entire space time continuum didn't collapse!", said Mr. Block.

"But he helped save us all just as much as Cavendish!", complained Savannah.

"Credit where credit is due, chief. Can't you forgive him?", asked Brick.

"I cannot! Get out of my sight, Dakota!"

Dakota left, head down. "At least Cavendish has his job back.", he thought.

Cavendish said nothing.

"So, Agent Cavendish, now that your back, I'm sure you'd love to hear of your new assignment and your new partner! I understand we have some business in Tunisia, no?"

"We… We do, sir", stammered Gretchen.

"Sorry, Cavendish", whispered Brick and Savannah as they left the room.

"Well, what do you say, Agent Cavendish?", asked Mr. Block.

Cavendish looked up at Mr. Block. For months he had been avoiding the subject of Dakota constantly saving him. For years he had been avoiding it all. All he saw was the man who was there when he needed support. The man who made him laugh. The man who couldn't stop eating. The man who he had saved the world with… Twice. The man who had saved his life countless times.

His… Friend. His everything.

He looked Mr. Block in the eyes.

"No can do, Mr. Block. I reject."

"What? Why on earth would you do that?", shouted Mr. Block.

"Yeah, why would you? This is your dream job!", asked Dakota, leaning in from outside.

"Aren't you supposed to be gone?", asked Mr. Block.

Cavendish just looked at his friend.

"It's Dakota: What are you gonna do?"

* * *

A long time later ('bout a week), the two were in the zoo.

"Thanks for taking me to the zoo, Cavendish!"

"No need to thank me. It's you who came up with our world saving business. You deserved it."

"Do… Do you really think this could work? I mean, I'm still surprised you see me as a friend, let alone more!"

"Dakota, I can safely say this: There's no one else who makes me happy like you."

Cavendish then kissed Dakota on the mouth.

"Wow! I'm gonna have to get used to this!", grinned Dakota.

"Now, how about dinner? I was thinking we could get some breakfast burritos?"

"That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard!"

The two went out hand in hand, an odd pair, perhaps, but a pair, nonetheless.

* * *

**Post Credit Scene:**

As Dakota and Cavendish walked off, a mysterious, shadowy figure, the seventh one from the post credits scene in "Heart", woke up.

He seemed to sense something.

Somehow, he could tell that...

That...

"Vinnie...", he said, with an odd voice, one that almost sounded...

Inhuman.

"You're mine..."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Before I start, I just want to thank **

**Ok, so I'm sure many of you want to know what the heck is going on with all my projects:**

**Into The Spider-Verse: Ionic Bond: I was working on it, but it's been on hold because of the three requests I'm working on. I know, that's annoying, and trust me, I want to make this story, but I want to give it my best attention, and I can't right now.**

**Craig of the Creek: The Math Wizard: See above.**

**The Loud House: Wouldn't Trade It For The World: I have 3 requests right now that I'm working on. One is about halfway finished, another is also about halfway finished, and the third is a long term project. With luck, the first two should be up by the end of the week, and that will allow me to finally focus on the other stuff.**

**Anyway, sorry for the inconvenience, because I'm sure it's annoying. Once I finish the first 2 requests, I will be putting The Loud House works on break for a bit, so that I can work on Ionic Bond, The Math Wizard and an untitled project or two.**

**Thanks for your patience! Read and Review!**

**SpongeGuy.**


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